Goal for Today: NO CAKE

Damn super fun, food filled, California State Fair! Last week I totally fucked up and had a funnel cake, yesterday it was an awesome blossum. This onion based food might seem innocent, breaded onion and dressing? but no! It's a whopping 2710 calories, but the horror of the calories does not nearly compare to the horror of the pure fat content.

I ate about half of this bad boy. And if that was not bad enough I ate three Oreos while the rest of my family was eating carrots. Why the fuck did I not just hae a carrot too? a person who is very close to me (who I will not name for fear she might assasinate me) recently had a gastric bypass, but she is still the worse influenece on me when it comes to food. Yesterday she insited I put a box of Oreos in my purse (that she ate one of), then declared she absolutely HAD to have this awesome blossom (which she had just a tiny segment from). She likes to buy the worse junk foods and only eat a couple bites. Then that food is in my path and I want a lot more then a few bites. Will power is not my strong point- working on that.

Today I will be avoiding the scale, I think. I cant take the bad news. I want to say I am going to starve myself all day to make up for yesterday, but that is not likely to happen. Taking my kids to a birthday party later today so just avoiding the cake would be a big accomplishment! I think I will make that my goal for today. Just avoid cake. Sounds easy, but I already hate the idea. lol

Why cant I be like my beautiful husband who eats non stop and gains nothing? I will add he is always moving or working out, so in addition to a lean body, he has big sexy mussles. Doesn't he look sexy in this pic eating a turkey leg at the fair yesterday? lol This man is 200 pounds of mussle and sexy, while I am all fat. One of the biggest motivations for losing weight is to keep up with him and do fun things together with him. Yesterday I saw so many things I was too fat to do and it really upset me. I want to bungee jump, go on rides, go down this giant super fun slide. It was those things that kept me from really binging because, honestly, half and awesome blossom and three oreos is a lot less then I would have had last year!

Didn't take many pictures at the fair yesterday, this pic was taken at the County Fair a couple months ago before I started my weight loss journey. Or, maybe when I was passively eating less.

Here is a pic from a couple days ago. Keep in mind I was posing and trying to look my best so the weight loss is not as dramatic as it may seem. In fact, so far, it is not really noticeable at all.

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Weekly Blog Hop~ Welcome to my blog! Please leave a comment and a link to your blog so we can follow each other.

Small Goals

Today I learned about small goals and I think that was really helpfull information for where I am at right now. I like that I can set a goal for myself as simple as "don't eat that funnel cake" and celebrate when I acheive it! It makes me happy to think about doing small things for myself as a reward for the daily sacrafices that come with losing weight. Most people can not relate to how hard it is not to eat a funnel cake. Last Friday, at the fair, I failed and ate that cake. It caused me to gain back two pounds. If I had just told myself something like, "instead of buying a funnel cake, I will go back to a craft booth and buy a bracelet." I would have been so much happier!

Today I have a few small goal. Right now I decided to make a goal of having lunch after one o'clock and using that time to do something productive. So I'm blogging! My next goal is to avoid any snacking after dinner. I will reward myself by taking a long bath and giving myself a facial.

A Change

Though I have not shared this blog with many, someone may have noticed I have changed it's title. The reason is because I wanted to focus on something completely positive and if I were to leave it called "320 pounds of Hope" that means I would still be reflecting on the worse, hardest number I have ever dealt with. In a year from now, when I weigh 100 pounds less, I do not want to write in a blog with that name. So, Finally Inspired reflects on the fact that I was/am finally inspired to change my life forever and I am so grateful. You can now reach this blog directly at http://finallyinspired.com/.

It was early yesterday I changed the name of this blog, but after a meeting with a life coach yesterday, I continue to think it could not be more perfect and fitting. The meeting was powerful. I did not expect to feel as amazing as I did afterwords. She helped me take a massive weight off my shoulders and open my mind to success. For the first time, I am ready to stop limiting myself. This could not have come at a better time!

Now, I would like to share with you a blog hop with other inspiring blogs.

Here goes... I am excited to read the other blogs!







I hope I have done this right. =)

Thank you for reading and embrassing my change, dear reader. I would like to end this post by sharing today's weight: 296.4 pounds.

UNDER 300

I am under 300 pounds! Huray! 298, in fact.  It may be months to a year away but I am pumped to celebrate being under 200 pounds! My goal is to get there before I am 30 in June 2011. For now, I am ahead of schedule on my goals and very happy.

Cruelty

Most people don't want to hear this, but it's time the world faces facts- humiliating fat people is the last acceptable prejudice. I know for an absolute fact that most people could not be as strong as I am. I go out every day and ignore the negativity around me and I do not let it bring me down. It breaks my heart that good, interesting, amazing people never leave their homes because they can not handle the mocking, the pictures, comments, and the horrible things people will say to you. How can these people get better if they are too embarrassed to go for a walk? It's very hard to tune it out, to pretend it's not happening, or to smile and be nice to someone when they are obviously judging you, but I force myself every day to go on so I can have a good life for myself and my family.

Since I am not an angel, and I have judged others in the past, I realize that people just don't understand and their words truly mean nothing to me. I am just looking forward to earning the respect of people I meet. I want to walk on the treadmill without having people walk by and stare or mock me.  I just want to be a happy mom.

Getting Ready for a 5k!

On October 17th I am going to do a 5k! I choose the beautiful Redwoods Marathon to participate in. Proceeds will go towards saving these beautiful trees that only exist in a few places around the world. I have all these ideas for creating a team, planning a BBQ the night before, even t-shirts, but I have to force myself to put it on the back burner because I have a lot to do for work. As an event planner, over doing even the smallest occasion is in my blood!

Yesterday I met with the marketing manager for a local gym. I hoping to do some work for them in exchange for a membership. This gym is extremely luxurious, by far the best in the area. I'm very happy my business allows me to work with people on this level. Expecting their call today! Come on Delta Valley! I NEED this!

So here is a beautiful picture of the redwoods to motivate me. I am so excited for this!

From Whore to Housewife

At the age of 21, I went from 260 pounds to 160. It was at that time I let myself have the fun crazy lifestyle I felt like I missed in high school. But I took it way too far. I dived deep into the underground. My whole life became about smoking pot, going to death metal concerts, and getting laid. I did a lot of things I am not proud of in that time. It was not until I met my husband, also buried deep in a life going nowhere, and fell in love was I (we) was inspired to change my life and be a better person.

The hardest part of the past 6 years has been forgiving myself for the way I was. I think a big reason that I felt depressed and gained so much weight is because I could not find the middle ground from whore to housewife and I was so busy hanging on to my past, I could not move on. Now I want to smack myself across the face and scream "get over it!!" I am starting to get that people don't care about who I was, just who I am. That works out perfectly for me today, because I am finally becoming someone that is awesome despite all I have done. In fact, I am a survivor! Letting go of my past and the mistakes I made just makes me feel so FREE, so HAPPY, so MOTIVATED!!!


At first, when I changed my life, I let go of too much. I wrapped myself up in a nice card board box of boring and forgot about all the things that make me a fun person to be around. I even started to judge other people. This has a lot to do with why I have so little friends. I had a freaking stick up my butt and I was acting like I am hot shit! Who the hell am I to judge others? Only in the last year did I finally get how retarded I was being. I was judging others because I did not want to face my own demons. That's over. It caused me to lose a lot of potential friendships and not get close to anyone because I had way too many walls up. From this point on, I am not going to concern myself with the actions of other's- just my own (and my kids).

This time when I lose 105 pounds, then more, I will be so much better. There are so many good things in my future! I am going to be working on my dream board this week, then I will share it with you.

Another pic from back in the day, I was so wasted! lol

I should probably have a therapist, but who has time for that?

The five minute vent:

Your's truely is in high demand. Mornings I have two little kids who want breakfast and a drink, then I have to clean the rabbit cage (twice a day!), feed my cats, refill everyone's water, and brush my dog's unruley long hair, and sweep up the massive amount of crap that finds it's way to my floor over the 8 hour period in which I was sleeping. Then I have to find something to keep my babies occupied for ten minutes while I work on my business that should be run in an office with an assistant and two sales people, but instead it is just me- a work at home mom with no energy!

This is an image of me being interviewed about my business at my first event in Jan 2010. I can not wait to look at that disgusting picture and say "EWWW! That was ME!!!!!"

Some Embarrassing and Personal Aspirations

Happy 4th of July! Luckily, motivation is not an issue today as it sometimes is so I am not too stressed about over eating. I am debating if I want to weigh myself, but I don't feel like I have lost any weight so I think I won't. I want to feel really good about myself before I step on a scale.

Today I am going to make a list of the things I am looking forward to as my body changes:

~Feeling like a girl again. Due to my weight, I have not had a period in two years. It's a cause of great depression because I do not feel feminine.

~Relating to people my own age. My weight has made me shun people who I would normally relate to and only get along with people 20 or 30 years older that also have aches and pains. People think I am older because of my weight also. Many have even assumed I am my husband's mom.

~More energy! More energy to play with my kids, keep the house clean, run my business, walk my dog, and feel good about myself!

~A long life. Right now, at this weight, I would likely not even make it to 40. That is a really scary truth. I have a lot of plans for when I am old, so I need to get there.

~Maybe having another baby. It seems absolutely impossible right now, but it could happen. I really am a young mom, despite how I feel and the condition of my health. I am only 29 years old.

~Having more friends. Like it or not, people don't want to be around someone as big as me. It is very hard for me to make friends and I know my weight has a big role in that.

~Being hit on! lol As a married lady, is it so bad to want to be noticed as a sexy women by other men? No! I just want to feel good about myself and a few compliments now and then would sure help!

~ Going horse back riding, hiking, camping, and other outdoor activities I have a hard time enjoying because of my lack of energy. It's hard to get up when you are this big, none the less move around.

~People sitting next to me. Recently I went to a very crowded networking event with "just enough chairs" for the people attending. The chairs were small and right next to each other. No one else would see this as a problem, but at my size, it is a huge cause for alarm. First, I may break the chair. It's a real concern, it has happened many times before. 2nd, I wont fit in just one. When I sat down I took three chairs! Two people had to stand because of me!

~ Not buying new toilet seats all the time. Like I have broken many chairs, I have broken just as many toilet seats. It's horribly embarrassing to tell my husband he has to buy ANOTHER toilet seat because his 320 pound wife broke it again.

~Having style. It is such a hard job just to find clothes that FIT, having any kind of style is just impossible.

~High heels/ cute shoes

~Wearing my husband's clothes! Even a XXL wont come close to fitting me. Next Summer I want to go camping and pack just a bunch of his shirts for me to romp around in! Wouldn't that be nice!

~ Swimming!

~NOT feeling horrified when I look at myself in the mirror

~Self Confidence

~Better sex!!!!! Now, my husband is amazing in this department. He makes me so happy, but any lack of good loving we have is all my fault. It is hard for me to get in to it because every time he touches a roll of lard I feel so much shame. Plus, I can not preform as well as I should because I am simply too fat.

~Better relationship. Thinking about how much better our sex life is going to be is exciting, and it also reminds me that our relationship will be better. An old saying goes, "When mama aint happy, aint nobody happy" lol. That may just have a little truth to it.

Okay, I think I have divulged enough for now to safely say I may never let my husband or anyone I know read this blog! lol The big thing keeping this blog private right now is the number on the scale. I can not let people know that I weighed 320 until I have made some drastic changes. When I am well under 300 I will consider exposing this blog to the world.

Below is a picture of me and my amazing husband from our trip to Reno anfer our anniversary last year.

The Full Time Job of Getting Fat

In this picture above I was totally sucking it in and doing everything I could to conceal fattness. Many people look at me, or one of the other few people on Earth who have managed to get as fat as me, and think "How did she get so big?" I am the biggest person where ever I go. Even IHop. Ever heard the joke that no matter how fat you are there will always be someone fatter at IHop? Not true for me. I am the biggest one.

At 200, or even 250, a fat mom can claim her weight issues somehow involves, or are the fault of, her kids. I have tried that myself, but once you get over 300 pounds there is no more hiding it- the person to blame is the one stuffing food in their month. In this case that person is ME. I am the one who has been stuffing food into my own mouth. Getting this fat was a full time job of always eating. Eating the worse foods one could imagine. Reader, think of that one time you went on a huge binge and you ate so much you will never forget it. Now imagine doing that every day. Welcome to my secret obsession with food. The only problem with a secret food obsession- when you've gotten so big, you can't even can't even find clothes big enough to fit on the world wide web, it is no longer a secret.

There were many occasions I ate an entire gallon of ice cream with a full box of cookies. That sounds like a joke right? No, I did it all the time. The most moving that I did was walking to the fridge to squirt whip cream in my mouth or naw on a peice of cheese. My dinner plates were five times the size of a healthy serving and I never let a bite go to waste! Frequently I bought a hge box of corn dogs from CostCo "for the kids," but they would be gone in two days. The kids had one each and I had 15. All dipped in mayo or honey or whatever high calorie dip I found in the house. That, dear readers, is how you get to weigh over 300 pounds. Consistant, daily, lack of self respect.

Now that I have spent two weeks eating a little less like a hog, and a little more like a human, I'm looking forward to being normal- to fitting through doors and sitting down with out being stressed that I will break the chair. I'm ready to wear clothes of the rack and not stay home because I do not want to be seen.

Weight loss so far: Nine pounds and counting

Today's Weight: 311

The pic below is the most recent picture of me I have. I chose this pic out of about 50 because I thought I looked the best in it. In others my poor daughter was barely visable due to my huge stomach and legs.